How to disagree with someone without becoming enemies is actually much simpler than you might think.
Instead of focusing on the problem, focus on the relationship. Make the relationship strong enough to handle conflict. Once you do this effectively, you can go back to the problem and use traditional conflict resolution methods to arrive at a solution.
This was one of the powerful insights that Melody Stanford Martin, social ethics and communications expert, shared with me when we chatted about how to disagree with someone without becoming enemies.
Who is Melody Stanford Martin?
Image courtesy Melody Stanford Martin
Expert in: Social ethics and communications
Latest Project: Author of Brave Talk, available here
Chief Cook and Bottlewasher: Cambridge Creative Group
What she last wrote: an article on resilient relationships on Psychology Today
Tik Tok handle: @melodystanfordmartin
Website: https://bravetalkproject.com/
Where did the idea for Brave Talk come from? Actually, it came from a catastrophic family fight. It sparked a desire to find out what was really happening with the family, and how it could be improved.
Lover of: golden retrievers. She’s a dog mum to brothers Benny and Baxter (they’re on IG!)
Instagram handle: @melodystanfordmartin
In our largest and our smallest interactions, we all create the world that we have to live in.
Melody Stanford Martin
You Won’t Believe What Conflict Can Do to You…
Conflict doesn’t just cause emotional trauma; it causes physical pain too. Melody knows that firsthand.
She shared with me that she experienced really painful disagreements and estrangements with her family as she drifted away from her upbringing. In her book Brave Talk, she tells the story of when she went for four months without speaking to her mum.
During that time, both she and her mum were physically sick from the conflict that they experienced in their relationship. Melody was actually in physical therapy!
This is actually not abnormal in the face of emotional stress caused by the conflict that Melody described.
In fact, severe stress can impair or suppress the immune system, increase heart rate and blood pressure, negatively effect the normal function of the gastrointestinal tract and create fatigue and pain the body.
In other words, what happened to Melody can happen to anyone.
But it doesn’t have to.
And Melody is on a mission to spread the word in Brave Talk: Building Resilient Relationships in the Face of Conflict.
How to Disagree with Someone Without Becoming Enemies through Brave Talk
When we normally think about resolving conflict, we focus on the problem. Melody turns that traditional approach on its head in Brave Talk, and suggests that we focus on the relationship and then the problem.
In doing so, she puts herself firmly in the camp of conflict transformation and not conflict resolution.
In the traditional process of conflict resolution, the process of focusing on the problem often results in people becoming blind to each other. The relationship is therefore unable to survive the ‘solution’ to the problem, whether proposed by a third party like a judge or by the parties themselves.
The problem with all that is: we still have to co-exist!
For instance, even though just over a third of United Kingdom workers experienced conflict at work in 2018-2019, only 5% resigned as a result of conflict. That’s a whopping 95% of people forced to co-exist and be productive despite conflict!
For everyone who identifies with the 95%, Melody has some simple advice: take the time to heal the relationship first so that it can handle the weight of conflict, and not break.
Can Anyone Learn to Disagree with Someone Without Becoming Enemies?
The short answer is YES!
According to Melody, there are 7 simple steps that you should take if you want to know how to disagree with someone without becoming enemies:
1. Push pause on trying to resolve the conflict.
Whether the conflict is full blown or in its infancy, it’s important to interrupt yourselves. Take a bathroom break or a walk.
2. Understand how you are feeling and why.
Melody suggested that we have to take stock of our own emotions and our own triggers before we even approach a conflict.
I think she has a point. In fact, I think that this is where mindfulness jumps into the equation.
Mindfulness simply means being aware of yourself, usually using different self-awareness techniques.
For example, this quick body scan exercise may be really helpful to figure out what you’re feeling and where you’re feeling it in your body.
In doing this exercise, it’s important to name your feelings. It will make you ‘feel better’ by decreasing your emotional response. Moreover, once you know what you’re feeling, your trigger becomes easier to identify.
For example, you may be feeling angry because the other person dismissed your idea. However, the emotional trigger for you may be an inherent fear of being overlooked and that’s why the dismissal bothered you that much.
3. Understand where the other person is coming from.
A huge part of understanding the other person, according to Melody, is giving the other person the benefit of the doubt.
She reminded me of Harper Lee’s words in ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’, “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view, until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.”
4. Understand where the relationship is right now because of the conflict.
In other words, how has the conflict affected the relationship? Maybe there’s a tension hanging between you. Maybe you can’t even speak to each other. Think about how the disagreement may be creating enmity.
5. Envision the relationship you want.
Melody suggests that, instead of marching up with a list of demands, we should focus on shared relationships goals. For example, working effectively on the assigned project together to produce a great result.
6. Agree to boundaries and behaviours in the relationship.
Questions to ask each other include –
- How do we want to move forward to create the relationship we want?
- What do we both need to agree to?
7. Get back to the conflict.
At this point, you will know how to disagree without becoming enemies. This is your time to calmly listen to each other and figure out how to resolve the issue.
Like the tale of the conflict over the orange. After the warring parties listened to each other, they realized that one person wanted the juice, the other the rind.
Not all solutions will be so clear cut, but you get my drift.
We know this will be awkward.
Don’t rush through this process my friend.
Trust and resilient relationships are built over time. How to disagree with someone without becoming enemies requires patience, perseverance and Pimms (when you sail out of the conflict with your working relationship intact).
Is There Anything We Can Do to Be Better Able to Disagree?
A resilient relationship is one that can handle the weight of conflict, and not break.
Melody Stanford Martin
While these seven steps when faced with a conflict are helpful, it’s even better to prepare your working relationships for conflict. Because conflict will happen.
We can do this by building resilient relationships.
According to Melody, “A resilient relationship is one that can handle the weight of conflict, and not break.”
Going about this can seem a bit intimidating (at least it did to me). So I asked Melody to give us the inside scoop on building resilient relationships.
She did not disappoint and gave a great example.
Melody suggested saying to the other person, “Hey X, I just want to let you know ahead of time that if you disagree with me, I’ll try not to be offended; I’ll try to have a thick skin because I welcome disagreement. Disagreement it gives me the opportunity to sharpen my ideas.”
She pointed out that this approach also transforms our relationship with conflict. I have to agree because this approach changes the default perception of conflict in a relationship.
Conflict is good.
What if I’m really angry? How do I push pause on the conflict then?
Melody gave some helpful tips for when we are really fired up (read: in a full out rage) in conflict. She suggested that you take the wings out of your fury by-
- grounding yourself to slow your breathing;
- taking stock of your feelings;
- working through your triggers (warning: self-awareness is a crucial pre-requisite for this step);
- reminding yourself why it is important to work with the person that you’re angry with; and
- reframing your negative thoughts.
At this point, according to Melody, you can communicate your feelings and why you want to work through the conflict. You’ll therefore be able to complete the seven step process effectively. For instance, when you return to the ‘table’, you can affirm to the other person why they are important to you and express gratitude for sitting down to talk with you calmly.
Melody’s Pro Tip: Speak a little but softer and a little bit slower to try to diffuse the tension in the room.
Can This Method Work for Disagreeing with Your Boss Too?
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
Like me, you’re probably really curious whether Melody’s take on conflict transformation could work with your boss. Could this be the way how to disagree with your boss without becoming enemies?
Melody didn’t shy away from this question. Instead, she noted that power imbalances make conflict more difficult to address, especially in the workplace.
Power imbalance in a relationship describes one person having more control or influence over outcomes than the other.
Of course, this is very apparent between employer and employee. She who controls the money has the power. Hint: it’s not the employee.
Power imbalances affect communication fundamentally (and not in a good way).
Have you ever been afraid to give honest feedback to a supervisor because you were afraid of how it might affect your job? That, my friends, is exactly what a power imbalance does to communication. It prevents honesty and trust.
This is why Melody has separate tips for transforming conflicts in the workplace from an employee perspective.
Tip 1: Understand the power structure.
Why is it that one person feels like they have a lot less power and a lot smaller voice? Is it by organizational design or by perception?
Melody believes that people with more power are responsible for sharing that power and ensure that there is no power abuse or domination.
Tip 2: Deal with conflict before you’re ready to explode.
As Melody put it, intense, almost uncontrollable, feelings will do you no good when you are trying to resolve a conflict with your manager.
Tip 3: Ask yourself, “To what degree can I collaborate with the person that I am in conflict with, even if they have more power in the organization than me?”
It seems that the thinking behind Melody’s tip is restoring your sense of power. While your manager controls the money, you are not completely helpless.
Tip 4: Make a plan on how to approach the conversation before you get in front of your manager.
For example, think about what you could say to incentivize a partnership or negotiation over the brewing issue. How can you put things across in a way that will encourage collaboration and that will not be perceived as an attack?
Disclaimer Alert! If approaching your boss in a collaborative fashion over the conflict could put your job in jeopardy, do not attempt this approach.
What Should a Boss do When Someone Disagrees?
Melody’s view is that managers should create a culture of healthy disagreement where employees are grateful to receive respectful feedback that pushes back.
In fact, an employee that takes the time to disagree politely or respectfully is showing leadership in that moment. That leadership should be commended and encouraged.
When embracing conflict is the default culture at work, it is easy to learn how to disagree with a coworker without becoming enemies.
Respectful disagreement is a gift!
Melody Stanford Martin
When This Method Won’t Work for You
If you’re in conflict with a psychologically unsafe person, this method will not work for you. Don’t try to collaborate with someone who might hurt you.
In other words, you may not be able to figure out how to disagree with them productively. Other avoidance tactics like firm boundaries and minimal contact are probably a better bet.
Melody suggested a few test questions for helping to determine if your counterpart is psychologically unsafe:
- Do their words and actions align?
- Do they sometimes put you first? Do they sometimes allow you to have a say?
- Are they willing to concede if either they realise that they have done something wrong or if they realise that what they want is not in the best interest of the team.
In this case, you should consider consulting with a therapist for tools to help you deal with this type of person, especially if it is difficult for you to escape the situation immediately.
If you’re interested in learning more about transforming your conflict, pick up a copy of Brave Talk today! Available here.