“I’m Not Good at Anything”: Why You’re Actually Lying to Yourself

“I’m not good at anything.” “I’m not passionate about anything.” “I feel like I have no talent.” Have you said any of these things before?

If you have, you’re in the right place. Because I have too.

In fact, “I’m not good at anything” is a lie you tell yourself that is rooted in fear or trauma i.e. it’s not true. Here’s why.

Why We Think “I’m Not Good at Anything”

Our opinions of ourselves have mostly been shaped by small fragments of time.

By something your mum said. Or the person that you thought was your friend said. It’s often something that your peers said.

Then we take that moment in time and blow it out of proportion. We think that a) it must be true because of who said it, and b) it must be true all the time.

Note to self: Yeah, the first time you write this out you realise that you’ve built yourself around something that doesn’t even make any sense.

As my old principal would say, “Nonsense!”.

And you know what? It’s easier for us to believe in the nonsense because then we don’t have to try. We don’t have to be uncomfortable or afraid.

And if we never try, we won’t ever fail. Which means that we can remain comfortable in our own little pods, consuming instead of creating. Being busy creating someone else’s empire instead of trying to build our own (whatever that looks like to you).

But we think that “I’m not good at anything” is true…

So why do we hold on to this lie so tightly?

I think that it has to do with emotion. That experience we had that made us feel like crap? It creates all these negative emotions that we haven’t processed. So we hold on to those emotions, together with the lie that created them.

Here’s the thing though: just because you feel like something is true doesn’t make it true.

Your emotions do not dictate the truth. Your feelings dictate your perception, which is totally valid. But don’t confuse the two. In fact, perception and truth are very different concepts.

Let me break it down for you this way: Is it possible that if you don’t hear or see a tree fall in the forest, that a tree fell?

That’s absolutely possible if you accept that truth can happen outside your perception.

Note to self: If you’re interested in a more philosophical discussion of what truth is, you can check out the correspondence theory of truth, especially Tarski’s theory of truth (which I believe that my take on truth sorta fits into).

Here’s another example: you may feel like a person has given you a brush off because they didn’t wave back at you. Now, that could be true. Or, maybe they just didn’t see you. So your feeling has a 50% chance of being true or not. Accepting the brush off as true just because you felt that way therefore isn’t common sense.

Check yourself before you wreck yourself my friend.

If we keep repeating “I’m not good at anything”…

When we repeat a lie over and over to ourselves and start to believe it, it.becomes.true. The mind is that powerful.

The way you think affects the way you act.

Just like an athlete, negative self-talk impacts our performance by increasing harmful anxiety and possibly, reducing concentration.

What it comes down to is simple: if you believe you will lose, you probably will. Losing then creates more negative self-talk, which makes you fail more…you get the picture. It’s a cycle my friends, brought on by the power of a single thought.

Let’s break the cycle.

What would happen instead if we stopped repeating “I’m not good at anything”?

Hint: good stuff. Good stuff will happen.

These five steps (and therapy) helped me finally conquer the lie that “I’m not good at anything”. I am sharing them in the event that they will also work for you.

As someone who has been down this road, please know that there is no shame in going to speak to a therapist if you’re struggling, especially if you are having thoughts of self-harm or suicide. Please call any of these numbers if you need someone to talk to.

STEP 1 – Break the Negative Thought Cycle

First, start becoming aware of negative thought patterns. Write them down. Then next to each one, write a positive affirmation to replace it.

I’ve given you some examples:

The next time that you have that negative thought, stop the train of thought by taking a deep breath. Then, imagine the thought disappearing or lock it in an imaginary box and throw away the key. Now, focus on your positive replacement thought and make that all you can think about.

It takes practice but it is 10000% worth it.

I’ve been doing this for years; ever since the verse “capture every thought and make it obedient to Christ” became alive to me. Even if you don’t believe in Christ or even in God for that matter, I still would urge you to consider the wisdom behind the verse: train your mind to focus on what you deem is worthy of focus.

I found a really awesome guide that goes more in-depth on training your mind by this method here. (And here I was thinking that my method was original…)

A word of caution: Some of your negative thought patterns may be deeply rooted in personal pain or trauma. If this is the case, you really should consider speaking to a trained mental health professional instead in order to move forward and upward.

Step 2: Let It Gooooo

Remember the fear, anger, hurt etc. associated with the feeling of not being good at anything?

Let it go my friend.

This process is best done with a therapist. And that’s cool. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with taking care of your mental health.

Moreover, there are so many telehealth tools and mental heath resources that you can use, which makes everything way easier.

For example, I’ve heard lots of good things about Better Help. There’s also a list of online therapy options curated by VeryWell Mind here.

Another way to get some background on this process is this series created by Therapy in a Nutshell on YouTube about processing emotions.

Step 3: Make a list…and check it twice.

List everything good, or even mediocre, about yourself. And I mean everything.

If you’re tidy, throw that on the list. Maybe you are the person that everybody comes to for advice. Or you’ve been told that your voice is soothing. Put that on the list too.

These are all your talents friend!

Some items in your list will need to be broken apart to get to the meat of the matter.

For example, I translated my ability to get good grades in school into –

• I’m good at finding information;
• I can read information quickly;
• I’m good at organizing information; and
• I can think on my feet when under pressure (like in an exam).

Sometimes, we you love something but it doesn’t love us back. For example, my mum loved chemistry in school, but she never did very well in that subject. If that sounds like you, ask yourself what you love about the subject or activity.

In my mum’s case, she really loved experimenting, learning new things and not sitting at a desk throughout the entire class. Although she didn’t excel in a chemistry context, my mum used that knowledge about herself to do well elsewhere.

Step 4: Focus on what you’re good at

Use your list to focus your efforts on what you’ve listed as ‘good at’. This will help you build your confidence.

And you’ll need that confidence for Step 4.

Step 4: Add something new to your list

Feeling a pull towards gardening? Interested in learning chess? Does planning an event sound engrossing? Then try it! You might like it!

Disclaimer: These statements do not apply to illegal activities, substances or experiences that have been proven to harm humans or animals.

Sometimes, when we have a bad first experience with an activity, we develop a mental block towards it. Trying an activity or experience in more ideal conditions and an open mind may find you surprising yourself. Either you will confirm that you don’t like it or surprise yourself by admitting how much you enjoy it.

I had a whisky-loving friend who declared once, “Rum tastes horrible”. I had a sneaking suspicion that he had never tried a good rum. To test my theory, I made my friend a drink using premium rum. He took a sip and ended up drinking the whole thing. When he discovered that he had just enjoyed rum, he said, “I guess I never had rum before!”

How poignant.

Some Thoughts About Failure (since you’re going to be brave and try new things)

Sometimes, failure seems like the ultimate enemy to getting out of the “I’m not good at anything” spiral.

It’s actually not.

Thinking that way is actually called a fixed mindset, to quote Prof. Carol Dweck.

A fixed mindset occurs where people believe “that abilities are carved in stone, that you have a certain amount and that’s that…When they hit obstacles, setbacks, or criticism, this was just more proof that they didn’t have the abilities that they cherished.”

Don’t be comfortable and unhappy in a fixed mindset. Make a change.

Therefore, that means getting comfortable with failure and developing a growth mindset instead. A growth mindset occurs where people hold “the view that talents and abilities could be developed and that challenges were the way to do it.”

Developing a growth mindset requires us to learn from the process leading to the failure. It’s not just about the effort, but what ‘failure’ teaches us. As Prof. Dweck herself said, “Praise the effort that led to the outcome or learning progress; tie the praise to it. It’s not just effort, but strategy … so support ..[yourself] in finding another strategy.”

Think about it this way: success is actually tied to what you learn. That’s why, for me, failure is just another opportunity to succeed.

Maybe when you try something new, you’re not good at it. So what? You’ve learned something valuable about yourself and now you get to try it a different way or something else altogether.

Failure is just another opportunity to succeed friend.

Accepting that you’re lying to yourself if you say “i’m not good at anything” is a gamechanger.

With this new self awareness in mind, check out my post on choosing a career here and here.

My husband always says, “Rome wasn’t built in a day”. And he’s right. Patience. You’ll get there.

Not much else to say except go forth and be awesome friend.